Getting a divorce signals the end of a romantic relationship but, for parents, it does not end the need to interact with the other parent. For parents, a divorce results in a shift in family life. This shift impacts everyone, especially children.
As any parent knows, children often do not do well with change. Thankfully, there are steps parents can take to help prepare children for these changes and set them up for success after the parents finalize their divorce. Before diving into these tips, it is important for parents to realize that adolescent mental health professionals report that when parents take a proactive approach divorce rarely leads to serious negative impacts on a child’s wellbeing. In fact, it often serves to highlight their resilience.
Three tips to help children when their parents’ divorce
Although likely resilient, the changes that come with a divorce are often initially difficult. Tips to better ensure children navigate this transition well include the following:
- Be direct. Tell the children about the divorce in an age-appropriate manner. Do not blame or speak poorly of the other parent.
- Answer questions. Depending on the child’s age, questions can include everything from where they will live to reasons for the divorce. It is helpful to prepare for these questions and have age-appropriate responses.
- Plan. Children tend to do best with a predictable schedule. Try to put together a parenting plan that includes involvement with each parent and is as consistent as possible.
Even with these tips, it is wise to prepare for children to have strong emotions as they transition into the new family structure. This can include frustration and anger. It is helpful to keep an open dialogue with their school counselor to help provide support and monitor any academic concerns as you navigate this transition.
Putting together a successful parenting plan
Parents can also help better ensure a smooth transition by working together to draft a parenting plan. Courts are generally looking to make sure any proposed plan is in the best interest of the children and includes frequent and meaningful contact with both parents.
It often helps to start with clear goals and accurate information about the child’s daily life. Focus first on your child’s needs — school schedules, routines, medical care, friendships, and activities — and then design a predictable schedule that supports stability. Put key decisions in writing: how you will handle education, healthcare, religion, travel and extracurricular commitments. Use specific language (dates, times, pickup locations, notice requirements) to reduce confusion and conflict. If you anticipate changes, which is important as the child grows, include a process for reviewing the plan, such as a check-in every six or twelve months or after major events like a move or a new school.
Parents also strengthen a plan by setting communication and conflict-resolution rules that keep discussions respectful and child-centered. Choose practical communication tools like a shared calendar, email or a co-parenting app. Define response times and boundaries. Establish methods for resolving disagreements, such as discussing issues in writing first, then using mediation if needed. For many families a parenting plan drafted to their situation works well when it has some flexibility without being vague: write clear guidelines for vacations, holidays, and sick days and commit to consistent follow-through so the child experience’s reliability in both homes.